In a perfect world, great sex would be a bit like the films. You both get home from a romantic date and within two minutes of dropping your keys by the door, you’re having wild, passionate sex, where you both have an extended, intense orgasm at the time. In these movies, you never hear someone say, “Oh, actually, this position is a wee bit uncomfortable, can we try something else?” or “Hey, can you just use your tongue?”
Communicating sexual needs and preferences can certainly feel awkward, but actually, sex very rarely seems like what we see within the movies, and if both partners want to enjoy great orgasms, it always takes some great communication to urge there. While opening up a dialogue on your deepest desires could also be intimidating initially, an honest partner will listen and be receptive, and starting the conversation may encourage them to share their needs, too! If you’re unsure where to start out, below are some tips for healthy, honest sex talk.
Don’t phrase something as a question when it’s a statement.
Sometimes it feels easier to phrase a requirement as an issue, because it feels less confrontational. When it comes to sex, however, your comfort should not be up for debate, it should be a priority. for instance, saying “Hey, I don’t know if this is working for me, should we maybe try a special position?” is different than saying “Hey, this isn’t working for me, let’s try a new position!” While phrasing your needs as an issue might feel less awkward within the moment, it’s also signifying that your sexual needs and luxury are up for debate. Sharing your preferences during a forthright way may give your partner the courage to talk up, too!
No one should have to compromise
Sex should be fun and pleasurable, and nobody should need to do anything that they don’t like or makes them uncomfortable. If blow jobs cause you to feel nauseous, then don’t do it! If reverse-cowgirl makes you feel like you’re at a dreadful dive bar, leave it and try something else! We all have different tastes and preferences, and we’re not always getting to just like the same things as our partners, but the best sex is when two people are both genuinely enjoying the activity at hand. While it’s healthy and exciting to undertake new things, don’t be afraid to talk up if you do not just like the taste of what is on the menu.
Find the humor and don’t be afraid to laugh!
Sex is funny. It just is. Maybe not all the time, but when you let out a queef, or your hair gets accidentally pulled, it’s hard not to giggle at two human bodies entangled like a pretzel. While talking about our sexual needs can be a challenge, finding the humor can diminish tension and allow both partners to relax. Not every position, fantasy, or dirty talk is going to work every time (maybe you want her to call you Daddy, and maybe when she says Daddy it sounds absurd, and maybe you both just erupt in giggles and move on) but if you make space for laughs, it will allow you to move on without tension or awkwardness.
Don’t let resentment build
This may seem obvious, but sex should be enjoyed and if you’re not enjoying it, then you may start avoiding or resenting the activity, which could lead to resenting your partner. If you’re panicking, don’t be! Sex isn’t going to be mind-blowing every single time, but if you notice a pattern of discomfort or avoidance when your partner wants to have sex, it may be time to have a bigger discussion about what needs to be added, changed, or altered for you both to have an enjoyable experience. If you’re unsure of what needs to change, talk through it together: Has something been on your mind so you aren’t living in the moment? Has your body gone through changes? Do you want to spice up the routine, or try something new? Talking through these challenges and being mutually vulnerable will not only help find a solution, but can build even more genuine intimacy. We recommend bringing it up at a time where you’re not right about to have sex, so you can let the conversation marinate and don’t feel pressured to have everything figured out right away. Give the conversation room to breathe!
Never underestimate the power of affirmation!
So, you’ve shared your needs, your partner has listened, and it’s resulting in some hot sex. What now? Tell them it feels good! Affirming your partner will make them feel really great and show them that you appreciate and value the way they listen and communicate. And who knows? Maybe it will lead to that crazy, candlelit rom-com sex that we told you wasn’t realistic. That’s something we would love to be wrong about.